Did you know that many of us have hidden talents that we don’t even know about because we are afraid to try new things? Or maybe we’re not afraid but we’re just so comfortable doing the same things over and over again. The wind is blowing me in weird directions and I guess I’ll explore it. 🙃
This Is Why We Keep Coming Back To Each Other
We were a case of forbidden fireworks that never should have been lit up, but then we set the midnight sky ablaze and our worlds were suddenly bathed in a luminescent, psychedelic glow, so brilliant that we were blinded by the spectacle, so exhilarating that all our senses were awakened, and we burned ourselves, again and again, because the high that came with it was so addicting that it eclipsed all reason.
But, as I said, we never should have been set on fire. Because in the aftermath of the spectacle and the high came the dust and darkness. In the final explosion, we plummeted to the ground, burned and blackened. And once we hit rock bottom, that’s the only time we realized that the high wasn’t worth the mess.
But then for reasons we can never comprehend, we just always wind up back in each other’s arms, time and again. We are drawn to each other like magnets, even though we know very well that nothing good ever comes out of us being together, even as friends.
How many times have I hurt you? How many times have you disappointed me? And yet, we force this so-called friendship; we try to develop a new, different kind of relationship, something more solid than before, you said.
But, regardless of the amount of effort we put into it, no matter how much we try to be patient and understanding with each other, this bond that we try so hard to forge and strengthen just cracks and breaks, even under the slightest pressure. It just blows up in our faces every time, and then we’re back again to square one.
Maybe this is fate telling us that we should stop trying. Maybe it’s time for us to stop fixing whatever we have and just leave the broken pieces on the floor because we get burned and scarred every time we try. Maybe we should just let go of the idea that we could even be friends, after everything that happened.
Because even if we both agreed to move on from the pain and start fresh, even if we try to steer the conversation away from the subject, the wounds of the past still somehow bleed into the present, staining the pages of this new chapter and putting a strain on this friendship that we’re building.
We are creating new memories, yes, but then even the slightest problem or issue just triggers our old monsters to resurface, and before we know it, we are once again baring our fangs at each other. We lose our temper over the smallest arguments because our fights stem from old wounds and issues. No matter how much we try to bury our shit, the stench of decay is just too overpowering, and we can’t keep ignoring the fact that this will continue to affect us for as long as we are seeing each other.
I do believe in the saying “out of sight, out of mind” because when I moved away and we stopped communicating for a few months, I almost healed from the trauma caused by our relationship. Almost. But then I returned and we saw each other again and started to strike a “friendship” once more, in hopes that this time around, we’ll do things right because we’ve already “moved on” and burned the old book.
But here we are, a few months later, and we’re still not making it right. Not even close. In moments of vulnerability, when we’re alone and our music is playing and we’ve had too much wine, my fingertips still automatically reach up to trace your chin as your lips curve into a smile and we still cuddle like lovers and kiss each other goodbye or hello on the lips like it’s a habit we can’t get rid of.
It’s these moments, these simple things, that keep reminding me of what we once were, and there’s always a glimmer of hope in me that maybe someday, at the end of the road, it’s going to be us after all. Maybe we’d still end up together, after the turbulence. And so armed with these thoughts, I always go to battle and fight for us, day after day, even though we always end up in ruins.
Maybe it’s also the familiarity that keeps us going back, the thought that it’s always easier to reignite an old flame than to start something new with a stranger. But the truth is, it’s double the difficulty and triple the heartache if we keep returning to the root of all our pain, because by doing so, we are nurturing old wounds while trying to start on a clean slate at the same time. And this is the very reason we would never heal.
We won’t be able to fully recover from the trauma of the past if we’re still standing on the same battleground where we were first destroyed, if we’re still playing with the same fire that burned us in the first place. It’s like reliving the horror, over and over. It’s like trying to befriend the pain, hoping we’d be immune to it, when even the slightest touch can tear the wounds open again. No one is capable of healing this way.
I always say I won’t come back to you, but I do the opposite all the time. Tomorrow, tonight, a few hours from now, as I write this, I know that I’d pick up my phone and call you, and you’d do the same. That’s why I left again. Because I can’t keep on seeing you and saying good morning every freaking day like it’s nothing. We can’t fully heal if we’re still moving in the same world.
Tomorrow, tonight, maybe a few weeks from now, I know that I’d be able to find the courage to completely cut ties with you. Someday, somehow, I’d be brave enough to burn all bridges connecting me to you because I’m tired of crossing back and forth between the past and present. Maybe one day, I’d wake up and find that not all roads lead back to you.
Time. I’m giving myself time. Someday, somehow, I’d be able to complete my recovery process and finally let you go.
They say that there are some wounds that even time cannot heal, and I agree because time didn’t heal us. But I believe that’s only because we didn’t give time a chance to do its work; we plunged right back in and forced it. And that’s why the wounds were cut afresh even before they healed.
I have faith that we will get there one day. But we have to walk the road to healing alone. For now, I will slowly try to unravel myself from you and sever all ties binding my heart to your hands.
Maybe this time around, I will finally do things right.
Thank you for writing the words I couldn’t express Geneve. ❤️
Onward and upward,
It’s hard to believe that one year ago I moved my entire life to the beach and created a life for myself here.
I had so many expectations with this move. I remember thinking that I’d always be at the beach. I’d make a ton of friends. I thought I’d date a lot and perhaps find Prince Charming. I’d always be out adventuring and discovering new places.
None of those things happened or are happening.
I don’t go to the beach much…in fact I only really go when my family visits. I only made a couple of friends. I didn’t date much but I did fall in love. Lastly, I settled in a little apartment and all I ever really want to do is relax at home and relax.
Life is never what it seems. I never would have thought this is how everything would have unfolded.
I’m trying to figure out what’s next. I have some vacation time that I need to spend and my first instinct was to plan some epic solo trip…but earlier this evening when I was relaxing on my couch my heart told me to take a week off and spend it with my family. I think it was inspired by the movie “Click” because that’s what was playing in the background as I was folding laundry. Somehow his realization that family is the only thing that matters and that time is precious hit me. Hard. I don’t love close enough to see my family whenever I want and I have many more vacations in the future where I can plan to explore, but in this little season of my life right now I need to be around the people who taught me how to love and be loved.
It’s been a wild year so far, and one big thing that’s I’ve learned is that the heart wants what it wants.
Adding to my previous post “Roller coaster”, I am happy that I experienced that because it reminded me to keep chasing adventure and I don’t need anyone to do it with me.
I don’t have to travel far for it either. As I was falling asleep last night I thought really hard about the last time I felt an INTENSE adrenaline rush or just excited about something that was good for me.
I’m sure there have been many things that I just couldn’t think of, but the first thought was being on stage. It’s been about 12 years since and that’s far too long for me.
So I am going to get back into dancing, lyrical dancing to be exact:
Aaaaand I’m gonna try something new:
auditioning for a play!
STARTING THIS WEEK. I’m pretty excited. Going to shift my focus from dumb boys and work, (and adulting in general) to new adventure with a splash of adrenaline and a whole lot of happiness.
Onward and upward,
Life is a little blurry right now, but I’m still smiling through it all. The good outweighs the bad and for that I am beyond grateful.
Have you ever taken a risk on something where you knew the chance of it working is slim to none but it would be worth it regardless…so ya do it?
I took a chance on a guy in April and it has been quite a roller coaster ride ever since. Now I know why people use the analogy “roller coaster” for certain things because that’s the perfect way to explain this guy. In fact, I’ll write it out to help you understand it better.
I’m staring at the roller coaster knowing I probably shouldn’t go on for various reasons. As I’m standing there it keeps inviting me to go. It looks tempting and thinking that perhaps I could overcome some fears if I try, but I just know deep down in my heart that this coaster isn’t meant for me to ride on.
It’s unlike any roller coaster I’ve ever been on in my life. In fact, it’s one I would never consider in the past, because that coaster has been through too much and I didn’t want to take a chance in that danger zone.
But I give it a chance (haha), and thank God I buckled up because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. At first it was fun. Not too scary but I was skeptical regardless. It was smooth sailing. Easy. Exciting. More like adrenaline and thrill. I kept mentally checking in realizing I shouldn’t be on it, but then I’d surpass that thought and enjoy it.
Until the drops came. Up and down. Up and down. Then the crazy turns out of no where made their debut. The loops came at no surprise. Then it calmed down and became fun again. Boom. Sudden brakes. Fast takeoffs. Repeat all of the above. Over and over again. Everything.
It was still worth it.
So I kept riding.
But eventually I knew that the idea of staying on seems tempting, but once this coaster stopped, I should get off. The energy it took to ride it was exhausting. All of a sudden it wasn’t fun anymore, it wasn’t healthy for me to stay on.
So now I’m at the theme park. I can hear the coaster, and I can see it. Sometimes I’m tempted to go on again, because the thrill of it was worth it.
There’s no end to this story yet. I’m still just walking around, and sometimes sitting on a bench wondering if I should try again and try harder to enjoy it.