these four walls & that scent

I’m visiting my family tonight and sleeping in my old bedroom. It’s been a while since I’ve stayed the night here. My little brother wanted to spend quality time together. He taught me how to play marbles (I think it skipped my generation), we built legos, & watched The Good Dinosaur. He made sure I had a blanket, popcorn, and water. He’s only 7 years old and is so thoughtful!  

When I walked into my old bedroom, my senses heightened. This overwhelming sense of peace overcame me. The smell was so familiar and made my heart feel like home.

This was the room I moved into when I started a brand new life. Moving back home was hard, but I grew a lot here.

This was the room I cried in from heartbreak, fear, and impatience. 

This was the room that my mom would come into and comfort me during hard times.

This was the room that I would come stumbling in at 3am back in the day. So glad those days are over! 

This was the room that I got ready in when I started my dating life for the first time.

This was the room that my little brother would barge into without knocking, because he loves me and always wanted to show me something or bring me breakfast in bed πŸ™‚

This was the room that I started praying to God in before I fell asleep.

This is the room that will always be here if I ever need it. 

It’s moments like tonight, that I thank God for providing a safe place for me to lay my head down to sleep. I’ve seen some crazy stuff in this world, so to say that I am grateful is beyond an understatement. 

N o wΒ 

This was a few years ago. I see this photo and can’t help but think about how much I have changed. The girl in that picture had no idea how much life experience was going to come her way in just 3 short years. 

I was working at a small apartment community in Redlands. It was a pretty easy job. I worked Saturdays, Sundays, & Mondays. If I needed time off it was easy. My bosses were practically my best friends. The residents were cool. Money was decent. It was just a perfect little part-time job. 

I didn’t really like it much when I was there. It was fun at times (hence the smile in the photo) but I wanted more. More money. More excitement. More co-workers. More purpose. I thought it was hard waking up every morning going to a job that was mediocre. Well, turns out that still wasn’t the answer because my job now is far from that & I’m still unhappy. At least in that job I wasn’t getting punched or slapped πŸ˜‚ My momma always tells me that the perfect job doesn’t exist… and I just have to pick my poison. After have like 20 jobs, I guess it’s time to agree with her on that. I wonder what poison I’ll end up settling for one day. I use the word settle because, well…poison.

If I could turn back time and just work one day in that office with Crystal and Amber again that would be so rad. But I can’t. We’ve all moved onto bigger and better things.

Moral of this post…I’m telling myself to appreciate what I have now. & right now I am surrounded by girls all day who are truly just trying their best at this thing called life. They are creative. They have wild imaginations. I’m trying to use that to my advantage and ignore all of the nonsense. When I move on, I’m going to miss them. 

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking of ways to make this last week-and-a-half of school fun. We’re short on staff so we’re basically just trying to survive. The principal is beyond amazing and is letting us be flexible with how we run the class until school is out. So I thought of things to do that little girls would like. These girls love makeup, nails polish, just anything girly. So today at work, after their daily journals, we had our first “beauty hour”. Nail polish galore. Even though one girl got pissed that her nail smudged and decided to throw a nail polish across the room, it was a success. I may be high off of nail polish now since it shattered everywhere- but at least I got my nails did. By 3 different girls πŸ˜‰

I can do hard things. I’m doing this. I don’t know how I’m doing this, but I am. 

Blessed in the mess

Not a bad way to end the work day.

Root beer float and art from a student πŸ™‚

Most days I feel like the hamburger πŸ˜‚ this art was made my a student who pulls my heart strings like crazy. She suffers with things at times and it breaks me. I have seen her improve and I was lucky enough to comfort her on one of her hardest days. I’ll never forget it. She always protects me when the other students are hitting me, and she never gives me problems. She is definitely one of my faves, and YES I PLAY FAVORTISM. Not sorry. 

Guess I spoke too soon in my last post…love bombs all day today. My heart is full of gratitude. I’m soaking up this moment because it won’t last long πŸ˜‚ 

Kidding.
..kind of. 

Love bomb

I’ve been applying for jobs daily. I’ve had a couple of phone interviews- and that’s about how far I’ve gone as far as getting a new job goes. 

I just feel defeated. Everyday. I feel like these kids just hit the reset button each morning before walking into class and it’s exhausting. The physical abuse converts to emotional abuse and one can only take so much.

I started my morning in recovery with a little girl who pinched my stomach SO HARD πŸ˜– (more reasons to lose weight πŸ˜‚), and told me she wishes the Devil would eat me. Yep. You read that right. 

But then…like usual, the peace comes. Temporarily, but it does come. An activity either sparks their creativity and happiness:


Or they are just simply grateful for us:


This girl dropped an unexpected love bomb on me today. I needed it. She’s one of the older students and she’s more on the mature side. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of issues with this girl, but it still meant a lot coming from her.

Not sure how long I’ll be here. Usually when things are temporary it feels like a drag. I’m trying hard to change that perspective. I feel like I belong here right now. That means something. Something bigger than I can comprehend- but that’s where my trust in God comes in. The physical & verbal abuse is never something I’ll be okay with, but I am learning how to tolerate it all. Sloooooooowly learning. I don’t have a choice. I’m getting better every day πŸ™‚ The love bombs definitely help! 

Onward & upward,

Ms. Sabrina 

When you know, you knowΒ 

So it’s been a little while since I’ve dated online and life is definitely different. In a good way I suppose. 

I went on a date about a month ago with this guy that I met IN PERSON (that deserves all caps) & it was okay. Nothing special. Wasn’t bad though. He’s a cool dude. Cute, funny, and respectful. So what’s wrong you ask? I don’t knooooooow. He’s just not the one.

I asked God a while ago to let me know right away when I do meet my husband. Go ahead, think I’m crazy, it’s okay. I know it’s crazy myself…but I really think God will tell me. Maybe not in the very instant I see someone because come on, how could one possibly know? Well, I’m sure there are those love stories out there somewhere. Most likely won’t happen instantly with a skeptic like me. But definitely sooner than later. Knowing when someone isn’t the one is a lot easier & quicker πŸ˜‚

So that dude asked me out again and I battle between:

“Oh just go, maybe you’ll start to like him more if you keep hanging out with him!”

AND

“You aren’t really that into him. & he doesn’t fit into your 3 must-haves. Don’t waste your time OR HIS.”

Then there’s the “just be his friend” situation. If you know me, you know I’m pretty careful about being friends with guys. For more reasons than I’d like to type right now, lol.

So yeah, I’m kind of stuck on this one. My heart and brain are leaning more toward the “no”…and in hindsight, my “no’s” are usually always right. 

Then we have another guy who thinks I am a revolving door and can come in and out of my life when he pleases. So annoying. 

Weirdest part of all, we’ve never freaking met! Thanks bumble. Oh the joys of online dating. As odd as it seems, our schedule’s never coincided…& living 2 hours away from each other didn’t make that easier. Plus we never really talked for longer than a month each time and it has only been a few times now that we’ve reconnected. Did I just type “only”? Ridiculous. & funny actually. It all started about a year ago. We’ve built quite a bit of textual chemistry since then (off and on) and I’ve never liked someone over texts before as much as him. This is my life people. Falling in “like” with people I’VE NEVER MET, via technology. Cool. My mom should be expecting grandchildren any day now. NOOOOOOOOOT.  

Anyway, texting dude never called back in the day and he vows to call “sooner than later”. It was always so strange. I even stopped talking to him once because he never agreed to talk on the phone. I thought maybe we was cat fishing me but his Snapchat videos proved otherwise. He asked me out last weekend and I agreed to go at first because I finally want to meet this guy. However, I had a hunch that he JUST got out of a relationship and that’s why I was even hearing from him again in the first place. Last time I heard from him was Christmas! Turns out I was right. πŸ™„ So I canceled the date and explained to him that I am not down to be a rebound girl or someone’s distraction from heart break. I used those exact words. I wasn’t trying to be mean but I’m at a point of my life where I know what I deserve and I know what I want to give to someone. He was understanding about it. It’s important to me that I’m on the same page and wavelength with a guy I’m interested in. Plus, he just wants to meet for the heck of it, and I just have better things to do then to meet someone that isn’t pursuing me. With all of that being said…if he calls, I’ll probably freaking answer. Why? Well…he does seem like a really cool guy. I’m okay with a friendly and harmless conversation. & he’s sooo cute! Ugh. Whatevs. Phone calls I’m cool with because I can hang up anytime, LOL! & honestly, I want to put a voice to his texts..and see if what I imagined was wrong this entire time! πŸ˜‚ 

Getting to know people is so exhausting. This is why I pray that my future husband and I have the most organic meeting possible…and that our dating life is easy, exciting, and mature. I just don’t feel like I’m going to wonder. I don’t think I’ll lean towards “no”, ever. I feel like from the get-go my man is going to be a yes. A huge YES. Crystal clear yes. A “yes, yes, ohhh yes…”

This is why I choose to stay strong and say NO to the distractions along the way. No matter how cute they are or how good of a sweet talker they may be, they will never measure up to my one and only.

She is…


She’s gentle. Shy at times. Turns into the B I G G E S T momma bear when needed. She’s nurturing. Always has my back. Tells me not to do scary things but supports me when I do them anyway. She is fun, and likes the same things I do. Her nostrils flare when she’s pissed. She lifts her toes off the ground when standing. Never let’s me pay for anything in her presence. She loves Jesus and prayed for me to as well. The prayers worked. She gave me two great gifts: life & my brother Jake. She never gets tired of my boy drama. Doesn’t rush me into finding a husband and having babies. But when I do, she will be spoiling them like crazy! She loves Miguel’s Jr. She is kicking butt on a new healthy journey called Keto. She loves lipstick that stays on. She brushes her hair at least 30 times a day. She’s so beautiful. A germaphobe. Her laugh is my favorite sight. She texts me goodnight every night. She would be happy if I agreed to live at home forever. Her and I love a glass of wine and the movie Stepbrothers as a girls night in. She hates when I’m sad. We send “I’m sorry texts” when our monthlys get the best of us. Yes, we argue like sisters. She’s young. She’s adventurous. She has a huge heart. She has better style than me, and let’s me wear her clothes. She makes me send her “yes” or “no” texts when I’m on a first date…letting her know if I like him or not. If I don’t call her back within 6 hours she is freaking out (worried). She never lets me go without. She always wants the best for me. She is proud of me. She loves me. I’ve never doubted it, and I know that I won’t ever have to. She is my best friend. She is my mother…and she is a pro at it.

Happy Mother’s Day Momma 🌸

2017

I need a Michael Scott in my life…

…to put me in check! I was supposed to be in bed by 9pm….here I am doing facial masks and blogging at almost midnight. πŸ™„

I told myself that I’d get up early enough to make myself a breakfast smoothie. Coffee and candy for breakfast just needs to stop already…and that’s what I go to when I rush out the door (empty handed). The classroom I work in is FULLY STOCKED with hot cocoa, coffee, every flavored creamer known to man, Hershey’s kisses, Reese’s peanut butter cups, and my favorite chips. Do I have self-control everyday? YES….NOOOOTTTT! I want to be healthy. I have all of the resources…and over and over again, I make terrible choices! What’s it gonna take?!?! 

Lord, help me get it together! I definitely think the breakfast smoothie would help. Shakeology is like magic! ✨

Onward and upward,

Sabrina 

Phase 3!

wella t18 toner and a purple packet toner with 20 volume developer

I swear I was SO CLOSE to dyeing my hair back to dark brown. This whole orangish/yellowish phase is driving me nuts! I know I need to get my hair super light before I go pink/rose gold but I am such an impatient person. Blah! Well tonight I completed phase 3. You can’t really tell in the photo because I have orangish lights in my room but it’s definitely lighter. 


I think one reason why I’m even doing this is because it’s kind of crazy. I need some kind of crazy in my life. Sometimes that means I move across the country because “why not”.  Other times it means I bleach my hair over and over again and dye it a rad/oh so not normal color. 😎

I’ve been in the mood to do a bunch of crazy lately. What’s next….? Hmmmm..

For such a time as thisΒ 

There has never been a time where I did something radical and regretted it. Sure, a thing or two may not have worked out…but in the end I always knew it needed to happen. It either gave me direction or clarity. Despite my fear that something could go wrong, I have always been one to just take the jump and build my wings on the way down. Sometimes I built wings and soared, other times I fell straight to the ground. Who I am today has a lot to do with my many trials and tribulations of flying and falling. 

I see my life as a beautiful carousel. 

The bright gorgeous lights represent Christ in my life. Even in the darkest of nights, He shines bright and makes everything beautiful. He has a huge purpose and without Him I see nothing. 

The decor respresents the beauty around me. Nature & art. It’s all so beautiful to stare at and enjoy. It’s a representation of how life should be viewed, despite of the loose screws, scratches, or scuffs. 

The horses represent my ability to make choices in life. 

The motion represents my life journey. Going in a circle over and over reflects how life goes on. The up and down movement represents the good times and the bad times.

The other riders represent the people I do life with. There are SO many people who live on planet earth, but God chose specific people to be in my life. 

The excitement of the ride represents how life feels. Fun, joyful, and maybe a little scary or hard sometimes. (I literally have fallen off a horse before because of just who I am) 😝

& lastly, the ride comes to an end…which represents death. Eventually I will die. Which leads me to my next point. Before my time on earth comes to an end, I want to make my life count. I want to make the best of my carousel ride. 

I feel like I am sitting on this beautiful carousel of life. Riding my horse, going up and down, and doing my best. I’m surrounded by other riders who I love so very much. I come across others who I may never know well, but I see them walking around and I don’t feel alone, even if I’m not riding next to friends or family at times. 

I’m surrounded by the beauty and art on the carousel, however; sometimes I focus on the broken down horse, or the rider who decides to walk off for good (friends, family, stupid boys 😝). I do love new riders and I’m definitely looking forward to meeting them in future. I am impatient though…the empty horse next to me where I envision my husband is not easy to accept sometimes. It may have something to do with me getting tired of kicking potential hubbies off when I know they’re not the one. Lol! Or riding a double seated horse where my child “should be”. Sometimes instead of looking at the beautiful details, my eyes are fixed on the dirty mirrors, the unswept floors, or the scruffs on the poles. These things seem to happen when I am in a season of selfishness. Fortunately, I do feel God crafted my heart to love on others. Not just in my community, but to the ends of the earth. I’m just trying to figure out how to live a purposeful life on my carousel and still be bold enough to step off for a little while and live my purpose off of it, too.

Some days I am perfectly content on my carousel. It’s a safe ride, it’s comfortable, it’s fun, and it’s normal. On other days, I want to get off of it. As I stare out into the midst of the unknown, I can’t help but feel called to step off and go. To live a life of abandonement and help others build their carousel. Or just to give them a new perspective about theirs. To accept the invitation to ride theirs so when I come back to mine, I see it differently. The lights, the horses, the people. & so I can thank God for crafting mine so perfectly imperfect- for His glory.

A lot of people stay on their carousel forever. The radical ones step off sometimes…& there’s nothing wrong with either way, as long as you do what you feel you were meant to do. Some of us have divine crafted purpose on the carousel only. Some have divine crafted purpose outside of it too. I personally, wasn’t created to buckle up for good. I thought I was years ago, but boy does life sure change. God wants me to be courageous. He needs me. He is so clear. I just have to be bold. I am forever thankful that I always have a safe place to come back to. My carousel isn’t perfect, in fact it breaks down sometimes…but the lights always shine, the important riders are always there, and Jesus helps me decide when I need to stay, and when I need to go. Last night I unbuckled my seat belt. The next step is to step off of the horse. 

Not forever, but for such a time as this…